Why I really want to hold your baby.

I’m quite an expert you know. Four babies of my own, one surrogate baby successfully created and delivered safely for her awaiting parents. Maybe we will manage to create another. Who knows. I don’t want any more babies. But I so want to hold yours. (*edited to add that another surrogate baby came to join the planet)

And yet I’ll never ask, because I never wanted anyone else to hold my babies.

Babies are like drugs. They smell so good. They look so good. They are the perfect size for my hands and arms. I crave babies.

If I can convince you that I have never dropped or damaged a baby, does that help?

I’m currently learning the art of handling teenage angst, preteen melt downs, and the attitude rich age of 6/7/8 times two. Double trouble never felt so hard. Give me my newborn twins back, or even my running-in-different-direction toddler twins… But the tween stage of twins is the toughest stage ever in our house. They are soon to be 9. I think, hope, I see light at the end of the tunnel.

But your baby… I think I need your baby. Just for a hug, and a sniff. The soft, smooth lines of their skin, the smell, I need that smell.

No matter what I do, my children are slowly walking away from me. All I need to do is leave the correct amount of coffee or the right tea bag in a cup by the kettle when I go to sleep, and someone will deliver it to me in bed in the morning, after they’ve let the dog out.

The teen is blossoming into a wonderful young lady that I could cry with proud tears about, every single day.

The preteen is the most beautiful girl, inside and out. I wished she’d have been at school with me. She would have been my best friend.

The twins, for all of their challenges have shown me that even when DNA is the same, and the external stuff in life is the same for both (same family, same life scenarios, same teachers and friends) you are a total individual, no matter what. And no one person is fixed. We are not “the funny one”, “the smart one”, “the sporty one” because watching the two of them grow has shown me that we are fluid, adaptable and always changing. So don’t label.

Back to your baby… My babies are getting pretty self sufficient. Maybe I should see it as a sign that I’ve done a good job so far. But. My babies. I miss my babies so much.

I love my children, and I love the stage of life that we are at. I don’t want any more babies myself, and yet the broodiness never ever ever subsides. I miss my babies so so much.

So please, let me hold your baby. Please let me look at their hypnotic perfection and smell their drug like aroma.

But I definitely need to sit down, as my wobbly knees may buckle and give under the weight of love and loss that I’m carrying.